2009 is closing...
2009 ended up being a mixed up crazy, crazy year... In someways too much happened for it even to seem real....
I met some great new friends, renewed and reconnected with a ton of old friends... I went on some adventures this year, that made me realize, you never really grow-up. Did somethings with my kids I have always wanted to do...and doing it with them made it even more special.
Watched the end of one part of my life, only to discover out of ashes... endings can be the beginning of something wonderful.
During the dark days, there were some people who I can never express my love and gratitude to, this woman, my best friend, sat there as I cried, cried and cried my eyes swollen shut... just sat there and held my hand... then she made me laugh... she picked up my kids and was there to help when I could not be in two places at once. She truly is the sister, I always wished for....
and the best damn accomplice in the whole wide world.... Paige....thank you.
My little brother, Todd and my new sister in law Sarah, what can I say you guys were always reassuring me everything would be fine, you kept me busy and were always offering help. Sarah, you were always there with your pockets full of hope and wisdom, I am so glad you married baby bro.
My other brother (the twin) Chip and his lovely wife, Shell... You, two always knew what I needed before I did. Chip you would just stop in to check on me and the kids, make sure we were safe and warm and offer your sound advise. Shell, you are a wonderful sister in law, so strong and caring, you bless our family.
But most of all, you loved my kids, gave them the time and attention they needed to get them through one of the most difficult times in their lives. Todd, Chip and Tim (my other bro) you all set examples for the kids as to how responsible men love and are devoted to their families. You love and treat them as your own, my kids are really lucky to have the three of you in their lives.
Paige, Sarah and Shell, your aunts, that my kids trust beyond anything, they both know they can come to you with anything and you will give them sound advise and help, I love that about all of you.
2010 marches in shiny as a new penny... I have a faith in myself that I didn't have at the beginning of 2009. I have an new understanding about the true gifts in life that I didn't have at the beginning of 2009. I learned to let go.....no hurt is worth hanging on to. If someone doesn't love me for the amazing person I am, than that is their loss, not mine (finally) If at all possible I love my brothers and family more than I realized is possible.
So 2010, bring it on....
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
4 year old wanted felon....
yes, my brother was four when he hit the most wanted list... he was reformed back into society in the worst possible way.... he had his ass paddled the whole way.... and he has had to live with this story, basically his whole life.... So lets get our families public humiliation out in the open and let it live on.... for future generations to learn from....or laugh at.... as long as they learn....
I remember, well I really don't... the only thing I do know is we are in the death trap and we are tootling down the road, dust from the road hitting us in the face, jumping unsecured in the back seat and I notice that drool boy has a sucker and I don't...... MMMMMMOOOOMMMMM.............
What?..... comes from the faceless mass of hair in the front seat..... Chips got a lollipop!
ERK........ goes the breaks..... we are grabbing through the air despritly for somtheing to grip to save our selfs from flying out one of the four open windows, to keep our little unseatbelted bodies from death.....
I don't remember being able to understand the string of words coming from the faceless mass of hair in the front seat... I think we had to grip something again as the car spun around in the direction back from where we were coming, the lolly had disappeared from his little hand....
When we came to a jerking halt at the store, I remember being told not to move (or I would die)...my little brother was escorted by a stomping mad as a wet hen, mama into the store.
Where his felony was reported and he was made to confess, under conditions I am sure would have been illegal in under the rules of the Geneva Convention.
They returned to the car, my little brother with huge crocodile tears running down his face and his usual kool aid colored drool stain on the front of his shirt. I felt bad... I didn't mean to get him in trouble, I just wanted a lollipop, too.... but now all I had was a pissed off mom and a blubbering brother and NO LOLLIPOP.... another day down the crapper and no candy....
yes, my brother was four when he hit the most wanted list... he was reformed back into society in the worst possible way.... he had his ass paddled the whole way.... and he has had to live with this story, basically his whole life.... So lets get our families public humiliation out in the open and let it live on.... for future generations to learn from....or laugh at.... as long as they learn....
I remember, well I really don't... the only thing I do know is we are in the death trap and we are tootling down the road, dust from the road hitting us in the face, jumping unsecured in the back seat and I notice that drool boy has a sucker and I don't...... MMMMMMOOOOMMMMM.............
What?..... comes from the faceless mass of hair in the front seat..... Chips got a lollipop!
ERK........ goes the breaks..... we are grabbing through the air despritly for somtheing to grip to save our selfs from flying out one of the four open windows, to keep our little unseatbelted bodies from death.....
I don't remember being able to understand the string of words coming from the faceless mass of hair in the front seat... I think we had to grip something again as the car spun around in the direction back from where we were coming, the lolly had disappeared from his little hand....
When we came to a jerking halt at the store, I remember being told not to move (or I would die)...my little brother was escorted by a stomping mad as a wet hen, mama into the store.
Where his felony was reported and he was made to confess, under conditions I am sure would have been illegal in under the rules of the Geneva Convention.
They returned to the car, my little brother with huge crocodile tears running down his face and his usual kool aid colored drool stain on the front of his shirt. I felt bad... I didn't mean to get him in trouble, I just wanted a lollipop, too.... but now all I had was a pissed off mom and a blubbering brother and NO LOLLIPOP.... another day down the crapper and no candy....
Friday, December 18, 2009
Angels among us....
Angels that walk among us do not always perform earth shattering feats, sometimes they are small and so personal that they can never be forgotten...
You will have to forgive me but for some reason this holiday season my Grandpa and Grandma Searles are heavy on my mind and heart.... I am not sure why... yet... I am sure its purpose will reveal itself when I least expect it.... in the mean time the memories keep coming in larger than life flashes that seem to need to be shared.
So back to these angels that were out in force on this particular day.... the Estate Auction for my Grandparents. I cried most of the day...trying in earnest to buy as many of my family treasures as my meager funds would allow, but unfortunately for me and my sister in law there were many antique mongers in the crowd with unlimited coffers. My father and brothers refused to attend (my father couldn't bare to see it all sold, by his heartless sibling). My success was very limited...
But at one point a man came up behind me and in my ear asked if I was family and asked me not to turn around.... I said yes, I was a granddaughter.... He explain he was going to slip something in my pocket and just to take it and not look at it till later. I said OK, (I was kind of freaking) but remained calm on the outside while he put the treasure in my pocket. Later my sister in law and I rushed off to our car to see what it was.... It was the book of record from my grandparents marriage ceremony, with their witnesses, place and the person who married them. This family treasure was just thrown in a box to be sold so shamelessly... I had a new disgust for my Aunt.
It also revealed that my grandparents all these years had added a year to their marriage date.... hmmmmmmm.....
Next, I was bidding on a lot that contained my grandmother's Christmas ornaments. Alas, I lost the bid, I just couldn't afford to go higher.... I was heart broken.... My sister in law and I strolled over to the lot for one last look at the ornaments... the woman who had out bid me, became gruff and stated that "these boxes were already sold to her".... I calmly explained that I knew that but they were my grandma's ornaments and I hadn't seen them since I was little and I just wanted one last look, I didn't intend on messing with them.... so we walked away and started gathering the lots we had been able to purchase (including my fathers own toys).... Next thing I know this same woman is approaching me with a box....she gave me my grandmothers ornaments... and wished me well....
These two Angels will never know what their kindness meant on that day and still means to me, especially this year for some reason....
Angels that walk among us do not always perform earth shattering feats, sometimes they are small and so personal that they can never be forgotten...
You will have to forgive me but for some reason this holiday season my Grandpa and Grandma Searles are heavy on my mind and heart.... I am not sure why... yet... I am sure its purpose will reveal itself when I least expect it.... in the mean time the memories keep coming in larger than life flashes that seem to need to be shared.
So back to these angels that were out in force on this particular day.... the Estate Auction for my Grandparents. I cried most of the day...trying in earnest to buy as many of my family treasures as my meager funds would allow, but unfortunately for me and my sister in law there were many antique mongers in the crowd with unlimited coffers. My father and brothers refused to attend (my father couldn't bare to see it all sold, by his heartless sibling). My success was very limited...
But at one point a man came up behind me and in my ear asked if I was family and asked me not to turn around.... I said yes, I was a granddaughter.... He explain he was going to slip something in my pocket and just to take it and not look at it till later. I said OK, (I was kind of freaking) but remained calm on the outside while he put the treasure in my pocket. Later my sister in law and I rushed off to our car to see what it was.... It was the book of record from my grandparents marriage ceremony, with their witnesses, place and the person who married them. This family treasure was just thrown in a box to be sold so shamelessly... I had a new disgust for my Aunt.
It also revealed that my grandparents all these years had added a year to their marriage date.... hmmmmmmm.....
Next, I was bidding on a lot that contained my grandmother's Christmas ornaments. Alas, I lost the bid, I just couldn't afford to go higher.... I was heart broken.... My sister in law and I strolled over to the lot for one last look at the ornaments... the woman who had out bid me, became gruff and stated that "these boxes were already sold to her".... I calmly explained that I knew that but they were my grandma's ornaments and I hadn't seen them since I was little and I just wanted one last look, I didn't intend on messing with them.... so we walked away and started gathering the lots we had been able to purchase (including my fathers own toys).... Next thing I know this same woman is approaching me with a box....she gave me my grandmothers ornaments... and wished me well....
These two Angels will never know what their kindness meant on that day and still means to me, especially this year for some reason....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Birthday Wish to You, Silly Sam.....
19 year's ago today, is a day that will be hard to forget, for me its the real Mothers Day...
Samantha likes to think that she is the reason that life took a turn for the worse for me, that unmentionable baby weight that still hangs around certain parts of my anatomy and so on goes the list... But what she doesn't know is...
On that day I truly started a life with purpose... Really, until that day I had not decided what direction I was headed in.... Then in one moment, her first breath it all click into to place.
I remember looking at her the first time after everyone finally left us alone. Her tiny eyelashes, her perfect little feet, her cute heart shaped lips, tiny nose...and I couldn't believe she was real, this was my daughter, so perfect... Then she let out a howl, that freaked us both out... I guess she was chilly...
She was a good baby... a happy little soul that seemed just happy to be here. When she started to crawl, I could always find her by looking for the dog... Newton (our very large Doberman) was her keeper and she was always right behind him and if she made a move in the wrong direction he would whine. When she started to walk, she never strayed too far...but when she started to climb...no tree was safe and my heart was in a constant state of panic, my neck still hurts from searching the trees..
When I think about the adult she has become what comes to mind is a strong, independent women that is a champion for friends, family and the underdogs... She has low tolerance for bullies and mean people and doesn't hesitate to voice her opinion on any situation she views as unjust.
So, today, I want to thank her... for the direction I couldn't not see then... every stone on the path we walked together, every puddle we jumped... I look forward to seeing the directions you head on your own to make your own slice of life.
Happy Birthday, Samantha Renee........
My Birthday Wish to You, Silly Sam.....
19 year's ago today, is a day that will be hard to forget, for me its the real Mothers Day...
Samantha likes to think that she is the reason that life took a turn for the worse for me, that unmentionable baby weight that still hangs around certain parts of my anatomy and so on goes the list... But what she doesn't know is...
On that day I truly started a life with purpose... Really, until that day I had not decided what direction I was headed in.... Then in one moment, her first breath it all click into to place.
I remember looking at her the first time after everyone finally left us alone. Her tiny eyelashes, her perfect little feet, her cute heart shaped lips, tiny nose...and I couldn't believe she was real, this was my daughter, so perfect... Then she let out a howl, that freaked us both out... I guess she was chilly...
She was a good baby... a happy little soul that seemed just happy to be here. When she started to crawl, I could always find her by looking for the dog... Newton (our very large Doberman) was her keeper and she was always right behind him and if she made a move in the wrong direction he would whine. When she started to walk, she never strayed too far...but when she started to climb...no tree was safe and my heart was in a constant state of panic, my neck still hurts from searching the trees..
When I think about the adult she has become what comes to mind is a strong, independent women that is a champion for friends, family and the underdogs... She has low tolerance for bullies and mean people and doesn't hesitate to voice her opinion on any situation she views as unjust.
So, today, I want to thank her... for the direction I couldn't not see then... every stone on the path we walked together, every puddle we jumped... I look forward to seeing the directions you head on your own to make your own slice of life.
Happy Birthday, Samantha Renee........
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Holiday Memories.....
I think one of my favorite holiday memories is the year I got my Ballerina Barbie from my Grandpa and Grandma Searles. I had to be around 10 years old. It was my first and only Barbie.
I still have her and her cloths, safely tucked away and she is still just as special to me.
My grandparents were the perfect example of an old country couple. My gramps still used his outhouse. Their home the "Wallenback Inn" (a historical landmark) never had hot water or a bathtub. My grandma's kitchen cupboards were painted pink (her favorite color). My grandfather came up with the color by mixing paints that he had on hand including his tractor paint (Allis Chalmers - Orange). Monday's were wash day and Gram's still used her wringer washer and hung out her cloths to dry. Fridays were grocery day and they always splurged to have grape soda on hand for us grand kids. They always would have their big meal at noon and dinner was a sandwich. My grandmother never got her drivers licence and they did not have a phone until after my grandpa died in 1991, and my grandma never used it, not once.
Every evening was spent watching Jeopardy and the Wheel of fortune with their daily beer, except for Saturday night.... that was Hee Haw and Lawrence Welk (gag)(stupid bubbles). I did enjoy Hee Haw... Every time I got to visit, I played with my grandmothers button box, it was full of old beautiful buttons some of them had rhinestones and I thought they were treasure, I loved those buttons and at their estate auction, I searched and searched till I found the buttons, someone had removed them from the special box, but I still got my treasures... I think Gram got a kick out me loving something so simple as her buttons.
I was lucky my school bus passed by their house every morning and every morning we turned the corner on to their road, and my grandmother would be standing in the front door with the lace panel pulled aside to wave at us kids. I don't remember her missing a day, even when she felt poorly. I will still drive by now and the shock of her not being in the window, effects me.
They were good people, poor people....but they always had gifts for us at Christmas and never, ever opened their presents from us, in front of us it was always in private. They lived off of the land as best as they could and in their older age, my father and his older brother farmed the land and took care of the animals to make sure they had what they needed and could pay their taxes.
Ive always had such wonderful examples of goodness and not living beyond your means, taking care of your family as time and age changes your role... If I can live even a quarter of my life like my grandparents and my parents, I will feel like I did it right.
I think one of my favorite holiday memories is the year I got my Ballerina Barbie from my Grandpa and Grandma Searles. I had to be around 10 years old. It was my first and only Barbie.
I still have her and her cloths, safely tucked away and she is still just as special to me.
My grandparents were the perfect example of an old country couple. My gramps still used his outhouse. Their home the "Wallenback Inn" (a historical landmark) never had hot water or a bathtub. My grandma's kitchen cupboards were painted pink (her favorite color). My grandfather came up with the color by mixing paints that he had on hand including his tractor paint (Allis Chalmers - Orange). Monday's were wash day and Gram's still used her wringer washer and hung out her cloths to dry. Fridays were grocery day and they always splurged to have grape soda on hand for us grand kids. They always would have their big meal at noon and dinner was a sandwich. My grandmother never got her drivers licence and they did not have a phone until after my grandpa died in 1991, and my grandma never used it, not once.
Every evening was spent watching Jeopardy and the Wheel of fortune with their daily beer, except for Saturday night.... that was Hee Haw and Lawrence Welk (gag)(stupid bubbles). I did enjoy Hee Haw... Every time I got to visit, I played with my grandmothers button box, it was full of old beautiful buttons some of them had rhinestones and I thought they were treasure, I loved those buttons and at their estate auction, I searched and searched till I found the buttons, someone had removed them from the special box, but I still got my treasures... I think Gram got a kick out me loving something so simple as her buttons.
I was lucky my school bus passed by their house every morning and every morning we turned the corner on to their road, and my grandmother would be standing in the front door with the lace panel pulled aside to wave at us kids. I don't remember her missing a day, even when she felt poorly. I will still drive by now and the shock of her not being in the window, effects me.
They were good people, poor people....but they always had gifts for us at Christmas and never, ever opened their presents from us, in front of us it was always in private. They lived off of the land as best as they could and in their older age, my father and his older brother farmed the land and took care of the animals to make sure they had what they needed and could pay their taxes.
Ive always had such wonderful examples of goodness and not living beyond your means, taking care of your family as time and age changes your role... If I can live even a quarter of my life like my grandparents and my parents, I will feel like I did it right.
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